In Marin / conversation
all parents look like idiots to their teenag-
ers — teenagers still care about their parents’
approval in profound ways.
What are your views on assigning household
chores to young family members? children
have got to realize their lives won’t always be
as it is while they’re growing up; they’ll have
roommates, fellow workers and spouses. and
parents shouldn’t fall for the excuse “i have
homework.” We all have work to do.
Should kids be paid for doing chores? i don’t
think so. Moms don’t get paid for shopping
for groceries and toilet paper. the family is
a child’s first community and he or she must
learn that the benefits of being in a community entail responsibilities. Kids ages 4 and 5
can start putting out place mats; as they get
older, working outside at gardening or washing Dad’s car gives an excellent feeling of
accomplishment, of learning something and
of helping out. it also contributes to confidence and self-esteem.
learning how to navigate challenge — and they’re going to face
challenges all their lives. it’s better to let them muddle around
their challenges so that they
have to develop internal skills.
if every time your child forgets
her homework, you bring it to
school, you’ve deprived your kid
of the opportunity to figure out
how to remember things and,
just as important, how to deal
with distress. the problem i see
with many children is that they
overly depend on others to solve
their problems. to the parent
who says he or she can’t stand
to see the child unhappy, i say,
“You’re in the wrong business.”
our kids being unhappy at times
is a mandatory precursor to
their being able to handle challenge and difficult feelings.
Over the 30-or-so years you’ve been studying, observing, writing and consulting
regarding parenting, have things changed
— or are the basics the same? the basics of
parenting are the same; however, how people
parent has changed drastically. and some of
it is positive, while much of it is negative. now
there’s more communication, more openness;
children know more about their parents and
In a family there are times that
are really tough, but there must
also be times that are fun, when
everybody gets to play.
parents know more about their kids — and i
think that’s good. What has changed drastically and what i don’t think is good is what i
call over-parenting. that’s when parents do
too much and it gets in the way of a child’s
ability to develop coping skills. it’s the parent who negotiates a child’s fight over a pail
in the sandbox or excuses a teenager from
household chores because he or she has to
study for an aP class. this robs youngsters of
In addition to your recent books
The Price of Privilege and Teach
Your Children Well, what other
publications or resources would
you recommend for parents? For those with
young children, The Magic Years by selma
Fraiberg is excellent; for parents of teenagers A Field Guide to the American Teenager by
Michael riera is outstanding; and for parents
in general, there’s nothing better than The
Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness by edward
Hallowell. as for a resource, challenge success,
a program i cofounded at stanford University,
has been effective in dealing with many of
the challenges, academic and personal, facing
today’s young people. there are online and also
live parenting classes given throughout the Bay
area, including Marin. interested parents can
go to challengesuccess.org.
For a moment, let’s forget about children;
what about the parents? How are they holding
up in today’s pressure-packed environment?
Parenting is a really tough job, and the culture
for parenting is not always nurturing. Many
parents work in stressful, highly competitive
jobs. Meanwhile, there is a general sense that
if they are not perfect parents, their children
will be disabled in some way; they won’t have
the advantages of other children. the pres-
sure on parents to perform is very intense and
often leads to a whole bunch of negative out-
comes — for both parents and their children.
so if parents are thinking, “i’m in this alone
and my value is only measured by how well my
children do,” they’ve not only pressured their
children in ways that are unhealthy; they’ve
exposed the fact that their own needs aren’t
being met. it’s very important for parents to
consider the totality of the family, not just the
needs of the children. We’ve become incred-
ibly child-centric, but everybody has needs. in
a family there are times that are really tough,
but there must also be times that are fun,
when everybody gets to play. i think for many
parents that time has been squeezed out. it’s
like the parents can’t take their eyes off their
children for fear that they, the children, will
be disadvantaged. the real disadvantage is
to have parents who are exhausted and who
themselves are unfulfilled. M
